Laughing Bee
Compter Jokes and Internet Humor

AOL JOKES

I was sitting in a chat room,
Feeling mildly amused,
When I saw something strange,
That left me all confused.

Someone typed a word,
(As far as I could tell)
But I had never seen it.
What is an LOL?

Then the plot got thicker,
More words I didn't know,
A person started typing,
The word LMAO.

I sat there in amazement,
I felt like a dumb toad.
Could it be, these people,
Were speaking in a code?

That's when I looked closer.
And found the subtle clue.
I figured out this code
And I'll share it now, with you.

LOL is three little words,
That seem, to me, quite shady.
LOL is a command,
The words, "Lean Over Lady?"

LMAO, was more obscure,
It made me sweat my socks!
LMAO is a command,
Meaning, "Leave Me Alone, Ox!"

ROFL was harder still,
I found it rather sickening.
It's a discreet way to say,
"Ready Only For Licking!"

I can't believe that AOL,
Would let this code exist!
To them I say, YOMSL
Meaning, "You're On My Shit List!"

Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park

14. "Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"

13. The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.

12. The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.

11. Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.

10. The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."

9. Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.

8. None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.

7. A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.

6. Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.

5. Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.

4. The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.

3. You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.

2. "We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."

1. IT'S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!

Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.

I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if my friends were there.

I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.

When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I'd ever had here.

I im'd her with "hey darlin,"
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said "lets go."

I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.

We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.

Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.

I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.

I signed on again,
And impatiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn't abated.

I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.

We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-screwin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.

I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.

We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.

Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I'd had enough.

A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.

I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting laid.

You may think this funny,
A ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT!

At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies." Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them with AOL accounts now?

THE AOL CAR

* The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

* The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

* The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

* The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

* AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

* Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

* The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

* The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

* Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

* If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

* The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

* AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

* AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

* Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

* It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

* AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

* Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

* It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

* AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

* AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

* Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

AOL USER IN HEAVEN

A woman knocked on the Pearly Gates
Her face was scarred and old.
She trembled and she shook with fear
She was just about to fold.

"What have you done?" St. Peter asked,
"...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user, sir,
for many, many years."

The Pearly Gate swung open wide.
St. Peter rang the bell.
"Come in and choose your harp," he said,
"You've had your share of hell."

AOL ADDICTION

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned!

I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!!

So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line!

Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried!

I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low,

"We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal.

He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low!

To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

AOL's New Nag Lines

For those of you unfamiliar, America Online has adopted some new policies. Here are some of their new reminder messages which pop up frequently - depending on your level of use.

1.You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

2.You have been online for 92 minutes? Do you still want to stay online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

3.You have been online for 135 minutes? Not to put any pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.

4.You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time that you were outside?

5.Ok, this is getting ridiculous! You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off. If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, ok?

6.You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and go read a good book?

7.You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names?

8.You have been online for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?

9.You have been online for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over to personally kick your butt.

10.You have been online for 852 minutes. Do you have ANY idea how many HOURS that is?

11.You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that America Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding busy phone lines. That is because of YOU.! Now log off and go to bed!!

12.You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally. Now hang up!!!!!

13.You have been online since yesterday. If you don't log off, we are coming over to your house and pulling your whole phone out of the wall!! Thank you for being an AOL member. We appreciate your business.

AOLSCAPE - A Message From Steve Case

Welcome to AOLscape, the latest member of the AOL family. Let me describe to you some wonderful features of this new browser.

10) After extensive scientific research, we have determined that the single most important thing an AOL user wants is to know what other AOL users are wearing. I must admit that this question has caught me unawares at times when I went surfing in my lavender pajamas (*blush*). Nonetheless, this is what my users want, and this is what they will get. The new browser will feature a "what-R-U-wEaRiNg???" button. This is the default AOL spelling, but you may change it as you wish.

9) Annoying ads: Obviously you're wondering who would want these. Well, my 14 million members do. And now you will too. :)

8) My new internet vision: My vision is based on one thing, and one thing only - free daily porn in your email!

Frankly, at times I suspect this is the stuff our members live for. Membership has skyrocketed since we started getting spammed up the rear. Earlier I used to get irritated to find this crap every time I opened my inbox, but now I've grown to enjoy it first thing in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee. Of course, now you will too. ;)

7) L33t Hax0r mode: The new browser will feature this advanced mode meant for elite teenage hackers and connoisseurs of warez. Allow me to illustrate this with an example.

Normal user message: "Hi"

L33t Hax0r message : "y0! aNy1 g0t aNy l33t mp3 wAr3z??? i g0t pr0n iN exChaNg3"

6) Your Friendly Neighborhood AOL guides (formerly known as Mozilla hackers): Yep, all those mozilla programmers will now troll through AOL "rooms" preventing cybersex. Let's face it, it's a lot more fun than debugging unix code.

5) The internet: Now people will be able to use the internet. From AOL. Imagine.

4) Annoying noises: The rest of the net has been missing this basic feature. Now every time you have new mail, your browser will say (yep, you guessed it) "You've got mail". I apologize if you find this irritating, but AOL users are a little slow, if you catch my drift. Anyway, this goes great with feature #8.

3) A raised middle finger to Microsoft: This will now be an icon on the toolbar. I've wanted to do this for a long time. Damn bastards! Making me buy their lousy piece of shit browser! Take THAT, suckers!

2) New browser logo: That stupid "N" with flying comets will be replaced by a picture of my handsome smiling face. (Damn! I love my job!) (Note to Bill Gates: This is ONE thing you can't buy, buddy.)

1) Newbie users: How can newbie AOL users be a browser "feature"? Boy, are you in for a BIG surprise!

ODE TO HORNY AOL MEN

There are so many men that sign on AOL,
they enter the chatrooms and say I'm horny as hell.
Are they really that stupid and f***ed in the head,
do they think we want cyber and not a real date instead?

They try to impress us by saying they're buff,
when in fact half of them blow their nose on their cuff.
They try to convince us they are thoughtful and sweet,
but we know when they chat with us they're beating their meat.

They tell us they're gorgeous, loving and kind,
when the truth is that most of them are out of their mind.
They tell us that they would make a really good catch,
the gals that they dated are what's making them scratch.

They send us their pictures of how cute they are,
when you meet them they look like they been hit buy a car.
They say they run businesses or some hot resort,
but most of them can't even pay child support.

So listen up ladies, if they sound to good to be true,
it probably is and they just want to cyber screw.

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR AOL TO CONNECT

1) Your 1998 taxes.

2) Complete your BA degree.

3) Watch you hair grow.

4) Finally clean your keyboard.

5) Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times.

6) Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl

7) Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad.

8) Read War and Peace and write a book report on it.

9) Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault.

10) Watch you AOL stocks decrease in value.

11) Become mezmerized by your screen saver.

12) Organize your desk.

13) Spend "quality time" with your hard drive.

14) Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of toilet paper.

15) Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance.

16) Listen to the radio.

17) Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited."

18) Clip your toenails. (or in my case, paint my toenails)