Laughing Bee
Compter Jokes and Internet Humor

YOU'RE ADDICTED TO YOUR COMPUTER IF...

* Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.

* You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you can remember your wife's maiden name.

* You sit in front of the TV trying to type at a keyboard.

* You find out that hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net.

* When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

* You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

* If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and less frequent.

* The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

* You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

* "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected."

* Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

* You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server.

* You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor.

* You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assassinate Bill Gates.

* You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

* When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

* If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

* When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.

* If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

* If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

* If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

* If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

* Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

* You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

*You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

* The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

* You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

* You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

* You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

* You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

* You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

* When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

* You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.

* You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.

* Your family always knows where you are.

* In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"

* After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!